Beginning My Journey Of Life

I wake up every morning with a hope

A hope which reinforces

My confidence to act

And furnishes me

To act with new endeavor.

Streams of joy to me it brings

Gives my life a profound meaning.

My hopes, or rather my dreams

Lead me to walk throughout the future

And forward me the ladder

To rise higher and higher.

But I’ve heard –

Dreams are often belied,

For the eddies of time

Never let them be alive.

May it be true or be not

My dreams and my hopes

Shall never be locked.

With dreams I live,

With hopes I grow,

Cheers of encouragement

From them I borrow.

They are the never failing friends of mine

I cherish them in mind all the time.

With every trouble

They make me cope.

My “Dreams” and my fervent “Hopes”…

I do not write poems any longer. I wrote about two dozens of them some fifteen years back. Opened that old diary yesterday and felt like posting it. Please view it from a seventeen year old’s perspective.

Andy Rooney's Comments on Women Over 30

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!...This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says......:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

• A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
• If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.  
• A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 care what you might think about her or what she's doing.  
• Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
• Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
• A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
• Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.  
• A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.  
• Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.  
• Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to
  wonder where you stand with her.  

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot
woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'. Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage. 

An ilander friend was talking about suicide recently. What prompts someone to talk or think so? How much hardship is enough? Which twist of destiny is unfortunate? Or irreparable? Till what extent one may fight back? And when does one give up? Take a look at this family.

Raj, Mona & Bonny are siblings. Children of an honest, sincere and brilliant service personnel and an efficient and well educated homemaker.

Raj was especially brilliant and so his dad wanted him to join the Indian Administrative Services. Raj had a different dream though – of Mercedes and posh bunglows. Eventually he migrated to the US and settled there. His marriage ceremony to an American Indian girl was a low key affair. He underwent a violent marriage for about a year that eventually broke, followed by long spells of depression, longer solitude to develop a strong affinity towards spirituality before he met his soulmate in India. He and his soulmate took the pains of living separately for two years post marriage due to unavoidable reasons, one staying in US and other in the ‘tough & harsh on ladies’ Delhi environment. They are a spiritually happy couple now with a bonny baby. Touch wood. He works in a company owned by Warren Buffet and has renounced most of the worldly comforts apart from the bare minimum. He also wishes to come back to serve his ageing parents and asks if the small cars in India come with an AC so that he may settle for one !

Bonny turned out to be a gold medallist. Mummy dear wished her to join Raj in the US do some higher studies and settle there. Search for an US bound groom was on. But she chose to join her own chosen man and start life. Her marriage ceremony was again another low key affair with only the groom’s brother’s support. Life was not only tough but harsh initially. The couple went through several ups and downs in their initial years of couplehood to eventually establish themselves as accountable individuals in this big bad world with their never say die approach. Touch wood again. Does Bonny ever repent not going to US for higher studies? Unlikely. Rather she talks of going for a month-long tour of Europe someday soon with money earned in India!

Mona was married off in a grand way with a great ceremony. The greatest ceremony that has taken place in the family so far. She was also the first one to be married off among the siblings. A year later she was blessed with a bonny child doubling up the happiness in the family. Unlike her siblings, she did not complete her post graduation amidst these life changing events. Neither her husband inspired her to. Two years later things began to change. Mona started staying back with her parents for months once she came to visit them and her husband never urged for the return of his wife or child. Raj used to go drop his sister and nephew home. The marriage turned sour and gradually violent too. They started living separately in two different cities. The child stayed with Mona. They were financed by her husband though, which was not enough and her parents lended a helping had every now and then without asking. Everyone wanted her to be independent now and repented her not completing her post graduation. She gradually turned violent out of depression and her child lacked the desired parental attention and care. Mona blamed her parents too accusing they did not educate her enough like her siblings and did not allow them help her. At the age of 6 her child had to be adopted by her parents to give him a better and safer life. Mona cut all ties with her parents. Every effort of all uncles, aunts, Raj & Bonny to revive her back to life went futile. Four years later, her husband stopped the remaining traces of support to her and she was almost dragged to the roads. She went missing for one full day when her parents, uncles and aunts looked for her all around the city, ultimately to find her sitting in a devastated state at the doorsteps of her parental home. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief to see her there. It was almost midnight, her mother had almost lost hope while they were returning home. But that was probably the dawn of a new life for Mona after the traumatic eight years.

Its been four years since. Mona is struggling back to life with incessant support of her aging parents and her own son, 14, who is maturing fast experiencing major twists and turns of life. An effort to become self sufficient is still on though.

I think Mona is the bravest and strongest child among the three siblings, given the way she is fighting back to life having gone through the greatest trauma and bouts of depression. May be the sole purpose of her life is to look after her aging parents in their hour of need and she is being prepared just for that.

And what about that aging parent couple who’s seen one broken marriage, a depressed son, another devastating marriage and a traumatic daughter, a 6 yr old grand child on the verge of going astray, never ending visits to the court to fight for the rights of their daughter yet not missing a single daily religious ritual back home. How much hardship is enough hardship? Raj, Mona & Bonny are very close to my heart.

Thinking of suicide is plain cowardice. One life is 100 yrs long. If you are 70, you still have 30 more years to start living a great life! Life after sunset, too, is wonderful.

Should I quit ?

Should I not ?

Am I sane ?

Am I not ?

Am I strong ?

Am I not ?

Should I be myself ?

Should I remain what I convinced myself to be ?

Can I sail through ?

Can I not ?

How far would I sail ?

How far am I supposed to go ?

Do I lose something if I stop pretending ?

Does anybody lose something if I be myself ?

Is it time to jump off right now ?

Should I continue my flight ?

Is the parachute packed in ?

Will it hold me safe till I reach the ground ?

Do I fear ?

Should I fear ?

Do I gain by fear ?

What do I lose if I do not fear ?

Should I surrender ?

Am I a failure ?

Cannot I start afresh ?

Is it too late ?

Or better late than never ?

Should I question further ?

Do I have an answer ??

“Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.”

I was sipping my cup of morning tea sitting in our balcony while glancing through the morning daily. 8 o’clock. Perfect luxury, it being a Saturday, my hubby out-of-station and our tiny little lion still in bed! There was news of rising inflation, up 7.82% and probably highest in over three years; prediction of about ten rupees hike in petrol prices in near future; a doctor dad suspected of murder of his own adolescent daughter and some infidelity in the background as per the news – which was the most shocking news of all. Naturally, out of curiosity I read through the whole story. How pathetically human lives are put to an end so easily without a second thought nowadays! What prompts an event to take such a turn? The more educated we’ve become, the more full of comforts our lives have become, the more civilized we start telling ourselves, it seems as if more intolerant, impatient, unkind and demonic we’ve become at the same time. 

The story to some extent did dampen my spirit with which I started the day. It kept hitting my conscious mind as I moved over to a happier news – girls outshining boys in the CBSE XII exams in our city. All the three streams science, commerce and humanities had a girl topping the batch and only in science was there a boy jointly topping with the girl. Smiling faces of the toppers adorned the pages of the daily. I was more amazed to note that the science topper has not appeared in any entrance exams till now and wants to take a break from studying hard for some time. Without being judgmental, I just feel that how matured today’s children (she may be seventeen or eighteen but I’d choose to call her a child) have become to think or act in that fashion in their lives. Without a very specific plan at hand an intelligent and bright child would not dare to decide so, and she must have convinced her parents too. Look at me – what a contrast! 

I remember, when I was in school my mom tried to instill an aim into my life – and that was to become a doctor. Any good student, especially a girl, had the options of aiming for either a lecturer in a college or a doctor or a teacher, in that order, in the middle class households like ours. There were other professions like practicing law or appearing for the civil services, of the state, but these two were somehow not encouraged to me. A girl was seldom encouraged for national civil services for that would limit her marriage prospects! Finding a groom of her stature and from the same caste would be a very very tough job for after all, however forward looking you claim to be, castes and gotras are always a bar in arranged marriages, even today. So my mom chose the aim of life for me – to become a doctor. And I honestly nurtured the idea and followed the aim. Whenever I was required to write an essay on my aim of life I would write a beautiful one about becoming a ‘doctor’. Teachers at my school were always impressed and encouraged me a lot. After my XIIth, however, my dad wanted me to do a major in English because he felt I am technically strong in the language and weak in maths and my biology grades didn’t come out that impressive; my most concerned maternal uncles wanted me to take up a combination of Economics, Political Science and Statistics / Maths because they thought that would fetch some great scores and would help me get a teaching job in a college. Four years later I successfully completed my ‘Engineering’ though! For by then, more girls were getting into the stream of study. And currently, I am at a job which is far from any of the above courses of study or professions discussed while I was young!! But very often I wish “I were a doctor” for I would have been so close to people then and could have served them first hand. Looking back, I think I was never determined enough about what to become when I grow up. Nor did anybody held up a clear picture in front of me with regard to sticking to the aim set in childhood and religiously chasing it until achieved. My mom too probably got confused by then who was my main source of encouragement all the while. And we all went with the flow. Taking a break of an year to relax for some time and then prepare for entrance to get into the chosen stream of education and institution was unheard of at that time. But it is worth doing, is what I feel now. This whole stream of thought came to my mind today after reading about the CBSE science topper’s say in the morning daily.

What would I do when my child would reach that stage of life when he would require to take one of the most important decisions of life? Well, that’s fourteen years away, and changes happen pretty fast nowadays, but still the thought knocked me today. First thing, I think I shall not nurture any dream or wish pertaining to what would become of my child when he grows up, apart from his growing up into a kind, loving, understanding and most importantly, an independent individual. He need not join a particular stream of study just because his peers have joined it or most of the good students do so. My toughest job would be to figure out in next twelve to fourteen years what he enjoys doing most. And then ask him if he can engage himself with that activity eight hours a day for twenty years without getting bored. If the answer is yes, he would be at liberty to follow it. If answer is no, then he repeats my life to some extent. Meaning, if I figure out that he loves chatting with his friends the most over anything else and answers ‘yes’ to my question I would encourage him to become a good RJ, VJ, interviewer and the likes and excel in the field. If he answers ‘no’ to my question, then I again give him a chance to make the second pick among the things he loves doing. If he comes up with an answer say ‘blogging’, I would ask him if he is really serious and can he do it eight hours a day for twenty years. If this time his answer is yes, I encourage him to do major in English, hone his writing skills, take up the necessary training and courses and become a full time writer instead of slogging to get into that engineering or medicine or biotechnology or economics course. There can be no greater bliss than getting to do professionally what one loves to do as a hobby.

As of now, I notice that he has no other interest than drawing, just ‘drawing’, no coloring interests like his peers and to some extent ‘cooking’! He keeps himself engaged with drawing upto two hours each day and loves it to such an extent that he has learnt to draw and paint even using the ‘Paint’ on the PC! The attached picture is a complete independent effort of my four-year old. Therefore, whereas me and my husband was till some time back dreaming of sending him to the likes of IISc, IIT, IIM, Stanford, Harvard, MIT etc., now we have suitably modified it to Shantiniketan and similar searches abroad are on.

My little one jumped into my lap and pulled away the newspaper I was reading sitting in my balcony.

“Mamma!”

“Yes baba!”

“How dare I not pay attention to you and continue reading the daily when you are awake and bouncing beside me, dear!”, I thought.

I kept aside the daily and followed his instructions to squat beside him and his complete kitchen set and help him with the cooking while he supervises teddy, bunny, bruno, kitty and others…

Ever drove through the sea?

Have fun.

Love life.

Special moments of fun framed for life.

- Ice Volcano

“The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.” – Ben Stein

Every day we get to read so many soul stirring thoughts & emotional quotes about life and how to culture “happiness” and feel good while reading them. We feel yes we should and can follow them and improve our lives right away. We seem to understand and realize everything that how different our lives could be once we take care of our own “attitude”. We start seeing the transformation in us and the happy moments that follows. But the moment we lose sight of them we get back to our old self with same set of complaints about life followed by resentment. That is probably because “actions” do not follow the “feel good” moments. Things end at “I shall...”. It does not begin with “I am doing it right away...” Another reason of this could be we are clueless as to how do we start the process of transforming ourselves. We tend to feel awkward at times to do something new. Then how is the transformation actually going to happen! How shall I ever become “happy”?

It was during this confused state of mind that I came across the above quote of Ben Stein and got a clue to the starting point for my journey of transformation. The above quote stirred my thoughts so much that I actually sat down with pen and paper to jot down what I want. And I came out with the following list :-

1. I want to get out of bed before the sun makes way ahead in the morning and take an energizing stroll by the lush green nature listening to the chirping birds, breathing in the fragrant morning flowers and enjoying the cool breeze of fresh air.

Irony: I get out of bed when the sun is already making a 30 degree angle with the horizon :( The nearest access to nature is 3 kilometers away in the form of a non-maintained park with an equally dirty pond that stinks :(

 

2. I want to sip my morning cup of tea with my family, sitting on the balcony overlooking a decent garden that is at least green if not red, yellow, pink and purple.

Irony: My balcony overlooks the bedroom and toilets of a neighboring apartment on the north-west and a mini slum on the north-east :(

 

3. I want to get my child ready for school, pack his tiffin and feed him his breakfast myself.

Irony: I myself need to get ready too at the same time and therefore its the maid who scores over me in attending to my child :(

 

4. I want to have a king-size breakfast. That’s the good word from all health specialists and dieticians.

Irony: I end up having a begger-style breakfast :( due to shortage of time and haste.

 

5. I want to enter office every morning with utmost energy and jest. I want to liven up someone else’s day with my charisma.

Irony: I somehow drag myself to office day after day :( for I do not enjoy the job I am doing and fret over not being able to grab the job of my choice. Leave alone livening up somebody else’s day, I myself struggle hard to smile through the day :(

 

6. I want to have a healthy human work lunch.

Irony: I end up having the fattiest and spiciest menu on earth :( resulting in severe acidity and heart burn an hour or two later.

 

7. I want to become a tea-totaller and cut down the consumption of pastries and patties and eat more fruits and juices.

Irony: I take four cups of tea and another cup of coffee everyday :( and my evening snacks consists of either a pastry or a patty or a samosa or some other deep fries everyday :(

 

8. I want to be back home at a time while my child has the energy to concentrate on his homework so that I may personally supervise him.

Irony: When I return he is as exhausted as I am after the days work :( and the maid is struggling to finish feeding him his dinner in his half-asleep state.

 

9. I want the entire family to gather in the evening for some light chit-chat over a bowl of soup and a little fun before we call it a day.

Irony: By the time my hubby returns from another strenuous day at work, our child is in deep slumber and frown lines get clearly visible on my face :( Exchange of words are minimum and the television does most of the background talking.

 

10. I want to have a light dinner as per the good words of the health specialists once again and to give a time of two hours to the stomach to digest it before I go to sleep.

Irony: The dinner is the heaviest meal of the day :( with rice, dal, two vegetable preparations, one non-veg preparation, papar and sometimes a sweet dish too taken normally after 10 o’clock at night :(

 

11. I want to sleep eight hours at night as advised by doctors, health specialists, beauticians and everybody else. There are people with enough stamina who keep bouncing with just four hours of sleep. I wish to know their secret too. But right now eight hours of sleep is my requirement.

Irony: I go to sleep at not earlier than 12 midnight :( after giving a gap of an hour or so after dinner, and must get up at 6 o’clock in the morning.

 

12. I want to read many books, watch several movies, surf some channels, read the entire newspaper, browse through magazines, write few articles, blog too often and post sensible comments on others blogs quite regularly.

Irony: I am left with just one hour post dinner :( unless I steal another in instalments while at work to do all of these.

 

 

Am I the most unhappy person on earth and going to remain as one then? Tell me its not true ! Well this is only the list of what I want in life and I have to make a decision now and there's no irony about it...

Part IV

Next morning Mr. Basu arrived at office and after sharing a few customary greetings with others around he proceeded to the meeting room and asked Vijay to join him. They sat across the table facing each other. He started,

“Vijay, even I wanted to say or rather, ask you something for sometime, but I had let it go”

Vijay said to himself, “when did you let it go! It was there in you all the while and quite obvious!”

Mr. Basu continued with his talk, “but since you have raked it up, let me mention it now. And…… its good that you raked it up.”

“Raked up!” Vijay thought with wonder as he listened carefully preparing for the worst situation.

“I am told that you are talking ill of me to people around, that you are spreading defamatory words about me.”

Vijay voiced in maintaining his cool as far as possible, “Who is telling that Sir?” Although convinced that none but Arindam could have done this mean act on the day of that unfateful Jamhedpur trip. That was the hypocrite’s last weapon – to create distrust in the boss’s mind for a favourite subordinate and there lies the favourite subordinate - almost ruined.

“Somebody. You were telling you have been demotivated. But can you believe how hurt was I when I heard that. Wasn’t it me who brought you to this organization?”

“Yes Sir” Vijay continued “But who told you so. How could you believe everything that was told was true? Whom have I told to? And what exactly have I told?”

“I have been told that you have said that I had been an ‘useless fellow’.”

Keeping in mind that it is none other than Arindam, Vijay boldly continued further, “Surprising. If somebody says so to me, I would first analyse why this person is talking all these all of a sudden today! How come he has become so loyal to me today! Could there be something else behind it!” Vijay noticed that Mr. Basu was somewhat stirred by the last statement that he made. He continued, “Would the person come and say it in front of me? That I had said so. Would you mention the name please, Sir, who said it?” Vijay turned slightly excited as he blurted out so.

Mr. Basu’s face had lighted up the way as if he had discovered the clue to some mystery, observed Vijay. Probably his candid outburst had some effect on him. To his benefit. There was a silence of few moments.

It was Mr. Basu’s turn then. With a deep breath he said,

“But I was very hurt. If I have some problem with someone, say my superior, I would talk about it to the person….”

“Haven’t I done so Sir? I am talking to you directly now when I am having a real problem.” snapped Vijay in between. He had kept all his fear aside by now and ready to be perfectly explicit, remaining true to just himself.

Mr. Basu nodded while continuing, “I even went on to ask few people about it. I spoke to Mr. Ghosh.”

This was another big surprise to Vijay. Another mystery seemed to be unfolding infront of him as to why Mr. Ghosh, a senior executive in another organisation and his ex-boss and mentor and an acquaintance of Mr. Basu too, had off late been expressing reluctance to talk to him! His eyes brightened up at the revelation. Excitement became uncontrollable. He interrupted again,

“I see Sir. That is the reason Mr. Ghosh doesn’t seem to be willing to talk to me these days whenever I give him a courtesy call! What did he say. That I belittled you?”

“No. He said “I cannot believe Vijay can say so””

“Then when and how did I belittle you Sir?”

“You have told to few people.”

Vijay found it tough to hold back his anger, for Arindam. He wanted Mr. Basu to understand and realize this man was a hypocrite. For him he has proven to be harmful too.

He continued his questions, “Who are those few people who has heard me saying so?”

“They are from this office.”

“Who Sir?”

“There are one or two people” was Mr. Basu’s cold reply. Quite consciously he refrained from taking names.

One or two people had heard him disparaging Mr. Basu. That is all. Vijay felt like having moved closer to his goal. Of the conversation. By now he had gathered enough courage to speak straight to Mr. Basu as follows, “Just one or two Sir! As I had already told you, didn’t you think for once why could that one person have told you so! Could he have had something against me and that is why it was cooked up! Why did not you take it up with me directly Sir?”

A small pause and he continued, “Sir, while I do admit that being petty human beings we do not have total control on our gossiping habit and that, gossips do take place among colleagues. We tend to criticise our own relatives sometime. So I might have criticised you too sometime in any of those gossip sessions though I do not remember anything specifically any more. But I have never belittled you purposefully in front of anyone ever.”

There was a marked silence this time. Actually Vijay wanted to say, “Criticising a boss is the most common phenomenon taking place in any set-up. I may criticize my boss, my boss criticizes his boss, he his boss and then he his… and so on. This is known to all and expected to be accepted until and unless derogatory.”

After a while Vijay, by now calm and poised, once again having felt that he had been able to make his point clear to Mr. Basu, about his accusations on him and about he getting trapped into a net of hypocrisy, enquired one last time, “Cannot you tell me Sir who told so to you?”

Mr. Basu replied with a smile, “Vijay! now you want me to utter it?”

Vijay got his reply.

“Subhas is a good guy right? He does not exhibit such complexities in his conduct.” Mr. Basu finally observed referring to another colleague of Vijay who was equally close to Mr. Basu. Vijay replied in affirmative.

He could not have got a better end result than this in consequence to all his blurting and snapping and retorting challenging his own boss that lasted for over half an hour. He felt elated at the turn of the events. His principle of staying true to himself made him feel much stronger that day.

Vijay’s next challenge would be to clarify Mr. Ghosh, one of his most regarded persons. And to let Arindam know next time they meet, that he had been the most harmful hypocrite he had ever met. Should he?

---------------------------------------------------------

A big thanks to all readers for your encouragement and patience. Please forward your views on the incidents and on how the characters handled it.

Disclaimer: All the characters are fictional and any resemblance to anybody is purely co-incidental.

Part III

Vijay was well aware that Arindam was almost in the last phase of shifting into a new job while Mr. Basu decided to take him along for the Jamhedpur trip. Therefore he